Sports [1] [2] [columny]
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Columny [Illustration by Ben Yaster] Mike, Getting all amped to write about an inhumane trashing of the Redskins on national television, this whole tear gas thing has kept a little bit of a knot in my stomach, a little bit of the poison out of my pen. It's fucked up man, but if Al Michaels can handle it with class-which he did-so can I... |
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The game? I haven't seen the Eagles really embarrass someone like this for years-I mean on every side of the ball; and not like the Texans, where the threshold would be much, much higher. This was an ass-whupping, with no Steelersesque vanity touchdowns: a complete shutout of the shun-and-gun offense and a complete schooling of their golden-ticket defense (the Redskins have spent the last five years single-handedly demonstrating the impossibility of buying chemistry, particularly on defense). The crowning moment of our Philly season redeemed: Corey Simon sacked Danny Worthless, stood up, lunged toward the Skins' bench, and performed a wicked woodchop. Trotter couldn't even catch McNabb to hit him, couldn't even grasp his pride to get it back. Fuck everyone who spent the off-season saying that Spurrier wasn't going to cut it and the pre-season saying that Spurrier was going to chop it into pieces: there is no such thing as a good offense made of shitty offensive players (the Patriots may seem to be an exception to this, but they at least have a quarterback with poise, ignorant as he may appear). I'm wrong about tons of things, but there is no way the Redskins are not a terrible, bloated, waste of a football team.
T. Dearest Ted, You've made some excellent points, but you've also made the ultimate faux pas. In this neck of the woods, at least. The Patriots don't have shitty offensive players. You don't beat a pre-season playoff pick (the Jesting Jets) at home by 37 points with shitty offensive players. They can't be crappy either; they must be good, and they are. And Tom Brady smartly turned down a date request from Tara Reid, so how ignorant can he really be? My sports Monday certainly fit the form: breaking my pledge to watch MNF only until Melissa Stark said hello, checking scores online, tuning in to a thrilling Giants-Dodgers denouement. Are you still too bitter about Rolen's departure to pay attention to this race? Wake up, Ted, and while you're at it, wake Dodgers fans up, too. Approximately half had left before the ninth; those that remained yawned. Moral: if baseball fans can't get up for a pennant race, the terrorists have won. I kid. In fact: if baseball fans can't get up for a pennant race, football season has started. They don't win; it's a shame. Michael Mike, The real pain inflicted by the Rolen situation came from how contemptibly upstanding it was. This wasn't about money, power, or bitches: Scotty called out Philly on their total lack of investment in maintaining a quality franchise, and he wanted nothing to do with such bottom-line morality. Scotty had the gospel, and the Phils had to get the truth out of there like 8-for-10 from three-point range in Game 5. Damn. Of course, I don't vouch for the Phils, nor for the Flyers, for that matter. There, I said it. And this is the whole problem: who picked the Jets as Super Bowl contenders in the first place? It must have been a bet to see whether sports writers would latch onto a stupid idea if it got sufficiently widespread acceptance. Seriously: the Jets have the same team that has made them a borderline wildcard team for the last four years, hell, since they lost the AFC Championship game to Denver, maybe even before that. Now, their best defensive back is gone, Vinny throws to Coles instead of Chrebet (why hasn't more of a fuss been made about this? For as good as LC has seemed, did Wayne sleep with Mrs. Testaverde or something? It's absurd), and Santana Moss will be okay, sure. But this is the exact same team that lost a wildcard spot to the Ravens two years ago, and that had no chance against the Raiders in the wildcard game last year, so how do they become Super Bowl favorites? Has their fourth-string team defeated someone else's fourth-string team four times in a row? Where am I? The Jets will come nowhere near the Super Bowl this year, no matter how good the people they cut were, comparatively. And we'll see how this Patriots thing pans out. If it goes the way it's going: crow, my house; BYOB. T. Dear Ted, What is this "I don't vouch for the Phils/Flyers crap?" Since when do we decide which of our teams we "vouch for"? This is not something you choose. Or, more accurately, once you've chosen, you're done. You vouch. Example: I love the Yankees, follow them with all my might. The New York Rangers, conversely, are a disgrace to the game and business of hockey. But I love them too and will do my best to tolerate them. And when the time comes, I'll have a right to get Cup crazy. If I should ever walk into the Stanley Cup Finals at the First Union Center, Ted, and hear you chanting "We Want the Cup!" I will sic Vinny Testaverde and the Patriots punt coverage team on your ass. Best, Michael Mike Vouching has nothing to do with love. I love all Philadelphia sports franchises. However, I only vouch for two. I can't really explain it; it has something to do with rational decision-making and stages of direct empathy. It's not fair-weather fandom, I promise-it means I'm upset when Rolen gets traded for peanuts, but I don't sleep for three days when I can't figure out whether Van Horn and MacCulloch are actually worth Mutumbo. (Probably). Anyway, if you've ever watched Sixers flag appear overnight on the cars of female friends who don't know how to spell the word "sports," perhaps you'd have a higher tolerance for this kind of thing too. And besides, I would never go to a hockey game. T. |